Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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