she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
