Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I will pee on everything he values.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Randomize
