If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
