He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
