I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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