Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
