a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Randomize
