I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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