wanna go halves on a baby?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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