I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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