OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
