dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
