Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I need to stop coming to work sober
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
