WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
