New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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