We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
