ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
