yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
