Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Randomize
