nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
