i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
