just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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