Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Holy sore nipples Batman
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
