My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
