between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
