see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
