Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
