The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
