capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
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