im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
