i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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