I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
