I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
