She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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