I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
