I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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