Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
