I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Randomize
