Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
