I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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