When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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