Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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