I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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