when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
