He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
