I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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