I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
PANTIES FOUND
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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