I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
