me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
