someone threw a dead crab at me
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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