He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
