my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
