Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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