How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
