WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
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Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
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If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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