Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
