Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
